Be Careful What You Wish For . . .

​You just might get it.  Are you familiar with this common idiom?  I spent just a few minutes researching the source of the idiom and at best it is unclear but it certainly is ancient.
Since I started attending Wisconsin Writer Institute conferences in 2000 a dream has been to be traditionally published.  My path to that goal has been, at best, indirect.  In 2013 I landed a standard publishing contract with a micro publisher (10 books or less per year published) in California for Murphy’s Troubles.  After a year I couldn’t get a committed publish date so I cancelled the contract.
I then turned to Create Space and had a very good experience and the cost was reasonable.  I proudly accepted the mantle of independent publishing.  Learning the technical side of publishing was difficult and not something I enjoyed. The desire for traditional publishing lingered.
With my second book I turned to my friend, editor and assisted publishing guru Christine Keleny.  Christine skillfully guided me through the process and Out of Darkness was launched under the name of CKBooks Publishing.  Again, I found the cost reasonable.  The desire for traditional publishing lingered.
After completing the rough draft of the third book in the Ian Murphy series, Dead Reckoning I undertook rigorous editing, used beta readers and had a professional critique of the last chapter by Christine DeSmet.  I decided to turn again to editor Christine Keleny – she was kind.  Based on her edits and suggestions I cut about 6000 words from the original draft. 
At that point I decided to try again to find a traditional publisher.  I covered the details of that journey last week.  Since posting the blog ‘The Contract!!!’  fear lodged deep in my psyche.
Someone was betting on me.  A publisher had faith enough in my writing and marketing prowess to want to sign a publishing contract.  That means I have responsibilities to another person – not just myself.  I will have to perform, I thought.  Independent self-publishing means you only answer to yourself and now I had turned my back on that world.
For a week I was frozen.  Henschel Haus Publishing requires specific formatting guidelines when submitting a manuscript.  I printed the guidelines and began the task of making formatting changes.  I couldn’t do it.  My brain stuck in neutral.  I was terrified that I wouldn’t complete the job correctly and my manuscript would be rejected and the offer of a contract withdrawn.  Panic nestled deep in my chest, my breathing was labored.
I hired Christine Keleny to make the changes needed to complete my submission to Henschel Haus Publishing.  Christine is very adept at all the technical aspects of publishing and I knew she would do it right.  She got the job done in a week.
My fear is all internally generated.  I’ve tried to “think” my way out of it.  Today my anxiety is less than was it yesterday.  On October 31st Kira Henschel and I will meet face to face to sign the contract.  I like the personal one on one approach.  We could have electronically signed the contract and moved on but that would be emotionally void.
So . . . be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.  I have, everything will be fine, in time.